| Good Grief! |
[11 Oct 2008|04:41pm] |
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mood |
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Good grief I whine a lot!
Just got thru reading this for the first time in a long time & that was the first thing that popped into my head. * mj
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| i'm sorry adam.....i'm sorry donna..etc etc |
[30 Aug 2007|02:12am] |
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mood |
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i'm sorry i was(i am)a fool and there is nothing really that i can say to express my regret.
i'm sorry that i held on to memories past, i'm sorry that i held on too long. i'm sorry that i put you through such bullshit, when i should have been troubling a shrink.
we had some good times, plenty of times that i'll remember till i die.
as for adam it was over before it began and i was wrong to ever think that it meant anything more.
donna has forgiven me and forgotten me, as it should be and i have done the same in return.
i hope that everyone else can forgive me my trespasses....peace, love and understanding.*mj*
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[30 Aug 2007|01:57am] |
watching classic Star Trek tonight and Captain Kirk takes off his rope belt to strangle a Klingon soldier. why? two seconds earlier he set his phaser on stun and Spock was right behind him? why Jim? why not use Spock or the phaser was it really necessary to take of your belt and choke him? maybe it's just more satisfying that way. silly emotional humans, Spock would have used the phaser,or that Vulcan mind grip trick.
ahh well that's what
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| been awhile |
[05 Mar 2007|04:38am] |
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mood |
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sleepless |
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music |
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desperado soundtrack |
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been awhile since i've done this.
been awhile since i was sober. been awhile since i could say that i'm ok.
can't seem to sleep tonight, no weird dreams with old friends, demons, or co-workers tonight. too late to take anything to help me sleep, too early to get up. i'm stuck here in the darkness before dawn trying to figure out how i got to where i am now and how to get back to where i want to be.
trying to figure out where it is i think i want to be.
i've left the only place i used to belong to come back to here. god i miss california, maybe someday i'll wise up and quit leaving it. or maybe sometime soon i'll cross the ocean and find bigger and better places to play. (hopefully smaller and cheaper places with lots of museums and hot europeans)
ahh well it's only been a couple months, the moving blues will pass soon enough and by this time next year(hopefully) i'll be missing florida and my new friends here.
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| stone cold crazy |
[28 Jun 2006|05:41pm] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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music |
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silence |
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the doctors tell me many things.....
this time i believe.
the testing begins in july.
science will answer my questions because numbers don't lie.
people are partial. a machine can not give you incorrect results unless it is out of cal.
i trust the machines, in them man has created yet an other form of perfection.
separate the artist from the work and then judge the work....can' remember who said it but they were f#@*ing smart
angry black women are angry for a reason, just a thought.
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| love is need |
[28 Jun 2006|05:30pm] |
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mood |
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enlightened |
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love is need
love is not being to live without
love is the answer (so is yes)lennon
perfection is possible = the circle, the three sided triangle with all three points equal (that's what our government is based on) divsion of power (learn the freemanson's, learn philo-sophia)
so to aim for anything less than perfection is pointless, point blank
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| i want perfection, some twisted selection.... |
[30 May 2006|02:26am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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peppers-californiacation |
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i think that my computer works now?!?
i'm bored of the same old thing.
i'm tired
i'm tired of the people i know and do.
i'm tired of myself.
sometimes i wonder why i continue on with this bullshit? i guess because i know that someday soon i will live on a boat and be able to keep completely to myself. stopping in port for food and sex:) once and awhile.
support is the reason for relationships and friendships. perhaps i just expect too much of myself and others? but then if you're going to do anything you should do it well. if you're going to strive for something you should strive for perfection. perfection can be achieved by mere mortal man. look at da vinci's work look at the pyramids.
do you know why the pyramids are the seventh wonder of the world? because they're fuckin perfect.
it's amazing the devotion, the faith, the science
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| hello dolly |
[04 May 2006|12:41pm] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
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music |
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showtunes |
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it's may and things are still pretty good.
i saw a doctor who gave me hope and a little prozac after christmas. this is the third guy now, for those counting, recommended by the 2nd who couldn't give me any drugs but felt i had a depression problem. i've played with the prozac off and on and have to say it does help me from dipping down to far and from wallowing in the depression. there's a lot of personal behavioral stuff that i have to do as well. it's all going pretty good in that department:)
my sex life is still going strong but i really i'm getting tired of random acts of passion. i've had a little boy that was totally into me, and we've become friends? i've just recently broken it off with him, but we still see each other so i hope that we do get to stay friends. he's been really good for me and i hope to pursue more meaningful relations in the future. i'm still not looking for long term or commitment but sex is much better with a friend.
the massage thing is still great i'll be out of school soon!! i hope to get a job that i can walk or ride my bike to and since i live on the beach that shouldn't be too hard.
i'll still be moving back to florida this year but now it's up in there air as to where, tampa is my pick but jax is second. geoffrey is going to stay in tampa for school and i think my parents really want me there too. it depends on where heidi gets a job but she's kinda for tampa too. my good friend miss d is considering living with me again as soon as we both figure out what going on:)
so that's it. how you're all doing well and i promise next update will be some kinky sex stuff!
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| new year and junk!?! |
[21 Jan 2006|02:26pm] |
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mood |
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hopeful |
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music |
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folk |
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well it's a new year and junk so i thought that i'd update my journal. besides it's been forever since that threesome thing and i'm tired of seeing it every time i log on. :)
i'm finally going to get a new car... a toyota truck hopefully
i'm on the dean's list in my massage therapy school. we've just started deep tissue so that pretty much fucking rocks!!
i'll be moving back to jax sometime this fall!!
and all the people that love me are invited to come visit me in cali before i leave. and i'm happy to report that most of them are thinking about coming out!
my crazy roommate hasn't cut herself since halloween and is taking all her medicine like a good girl!!
my crazy roommate made me realize how crazy i'm not:)
my crazy roommate is a great cook and a great person who keeps me entertained and well fed!
my chic friend heidi is going to move to florida with me!
my little brother is the light of my life and he'll be attending jacksonville university this fall!
my best friend and i may actually live in the same state again or really close!
all and all i think that 2006 is going to be a great year and i can't wait for all the exciting things that are going to happen!
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| brushes on my ass & bite marks on my neck! |
[14 Aug 2005|11:42am] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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hey love- guess what i did this weekend??
i "partied" with a queen and his girlfriend and had crazy hot sex with her!
i got spanked! whipped! beaten! and flogged! by this cool lesbian chick at her fetish party!
(she asked me to marry her like 4-5 times:)
i have bruises on my ass and bite marks on my neck! (i'll sent the pictures)
i missed you this weekend, :( you would have had a lot of fun.
love you and i'll try to call soon. kisses, hugs and lots of drugs!
p.s. she made me say "yes mistress":) a lot :)
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| noise, noise, noise..... |
[03 Jul 2005|06:23pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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noise. noise, noise |
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i don't have anything to say but, i'll say it anyway.
it's loud here never quiet. all i really want is peace and quiet. and to be alone.
be careful what you wish for...
i keep going after the things that i think that i want. the stuff that's supposed to make me happy. i keep achieving my goals to find that it's really not what i was looking for after all?
it was all so much easier before.
"never thought it'd be easy, never imagined it'd be this hard".
wow i guess i really don't have anything to say but then it's hard to hear your own thoughts when everything is so fuckin' loud.
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| soberity sucks give me drugs! |
[23 May 2005|06:25pm] |
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mood |
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got a great job. california is beautiful. i meet all kinds of nice boys when i do go out but still not so happy. smoking seems to be the only time i relax, laugh or have fun. big black empty void inside. been there for as long i can remember. place inside where the garden doesn't grow, getting bigger. i think that all the drinking and drugs was my way of dealing with it. but it's kinda like putting a band aid on a gun shot wound. think i finally burned all my bridges but i'm oddly okay with that.
so i'm a little crazy but then who isn't?
went to the doctor told him how i felt about things and he gave me lots of new and exciting drugs!?! maybe i should have picked someone a little closer to the city and not so close to mexico? getting a second opinion (john hopkins grad.) it has occurred to me that he could have given me placebos? however they do make me kinda sick and the sleeping pills definitely put me to sleep?
ah well we'll see....on the plus side at least i'm not as bad as barbie. she's been to the emergency room twice in the last month. (cuts just wouldn't stop bleeding. she stitches them herself, pretty good at it but not good enough this time).
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| fuck if i know???? |
[22 May 2005|05:24pm] |
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mood |
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 i think? |
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music |
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beatles |
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Take a break and put your To-Do list away for today, dear Virgo. You may find that your mind is too clouded to actually be affective, so the trick is to not force things that don't want to budge. You are much better off spending the day renting movies and getting cozy on the couch with someone you love. Dive into a fantasy world and keep things light and upbeat. This is no time to be serious or restrictive.
that's my horoscope for the day. it's sounds like good advice cause it's been a weird weekend.
i think that sometimes you need to fall all the way down so that you can pick up the pieces and start again. the problem is that people depend on you so it's hard to find time to fall. i think i've been working myself to near exhaust and playing at home doctor for too long. it's time to get some better advice than my own and maybe a 2nd opinion or two. california is great! say the right thing at the right time and they give you whatever you want. but i'm not looking for what i want, i'm searching for what i need.
"all you need is love"....
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| moving, misery & misc |
[07 May 2005|07:32pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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hispanic guitar music |
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moving is fucking misery! and to top it off i had the worse case of the flu ever. i coughed and packed and cried for three days and three nights. then i when straight from work to vegas to see NIN!?! vegas is crazy nutz, makes me feel normal....well almost normal, makes feel naughty too! speaking of which i got hit on by a swingers couple?!? they bought me a drink before i realized what was going on. i ditched them in the crowd. (i still hate everything with a penis) brent excluded because he's a friend and his penis no longer counts.
fabulous show,on a side note i remember when NIN came out and i really liked them then. i didn't really know what he was talking about in the songs but i liked them anyway, now i'm older and i know exactly how he feels andi wish like hell that i didn't. back to happier topics; the opening band was the DRESDEN DOLLS, they fuckin rock!!! go, go now! and pick up their cd! (it's self titled, so it's shouldn't be hard). or you could wait forever and a day and i'll burn you a copy but, as they're a small relatively unknown band you really should support them. i mean drug habits get expensive and stuff:)
i'm unpacked slowly and the old woman is suppose to be here by the end of the month? i'll be in tampa for memorial day. we're having one of those hugh BBQ's and my little brother (just turned 17) is going to be made an eagle scout! (that's as high as you can go in the boy scouts) i'm real excited to see him again but still dread seeing the rest of my kin. so if you're in the area and want some great BBQ stop on by and save me from my family for awhile. i mean i've traveled 3000 some miles what's a couple hours drive for the rest of you? "well for all my friends out there, where ever you are. remember the light at the end of the tunnel may be you." *mj*
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| guitars, tattoos, and motley crue! |
[29 Mar 2005|05:39pm] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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radio nonsense |
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well it's been awhile and things have changed and changed and since i've written last. as my message says "i'm crazy busy" or maybe i'm just crazy but either way i've had more pressing business to attend to.
i've finally gotten a new place to live! it's this super cute 2 bed 2 bath condo in get this NORMAl HEIGHTS. how funny is that. it's a block away form 2-3 groovy little used book stores and a cool irish bar. it's like a mile or so away from where i just got tattooed and will be taking guitar lessons!
my tattoo shop and guitar shop are in the same building which is right across the street from this great little mexican dive. i bought a left handed (fire burst) Johnson electric guitar. definitely not the best guitar ever but if i don't ever learn to play it will look awesome on my wall. however the nice older guy at the guitar shop says that they'll be starting lessons in May so i'll be signing up!! Dave the tattoo artist is super cool ,as are all the guys at the shop, and we rocked out to Sublime and Frank Zappa as i got my tattoo done! (it's a kanja symbol on my left shoulder). i'm planning on getting the next in the series in april and he's even going to fix the star for me!
in other news i recently saw motley crue and those boys put on a hell of a show! instead of having an opening act they had midgets and S&M chicks perform. they started out with Shout at the Devil and continued to do their old stuff for an hour or so. then they showed a little movie where they save the world as the midgets and girls performed again. they came back out on choppers and did GIRLS, girls, Girls while strippers hanging from ropes over tommy lee did flips and other stripper things! instead of having every one in the band do a solo tommy did a kick ass drum solo where he flew around stage to different drum kits! then he took a hand held camera and showed everyone in the arena what "san diego titties" looked like. i gotta say cali girls got some nice boobies! :)it rained the whole show but thankfully i met a nice guy to keep me warm. he bought me a "crue slut" t-shirt and we're suppose to hook up again for velvet revolver or audioslave.
i'll also be seeing velvet revolver from the fucking pit! and i've made plans to see NIN is vegas with my favorite girl. tom petty is touring with the black crows, rob zombie is doing ozz fest and a ton of other bands will be in cali this summer! i'm trying to get everyone in my atlanta crew to come see ozzy with me in west palm for my birthday so keep your fingers crossed. it's on a sunday guys and it's black sabbath, rob zombie, great bbq and my fucking birthday so it had better be a good fucking excuse if you don't show. well that's about all i've got from the other side, if your reading this i love and miss you. *mj*
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| happy puddles! |
[09 Feb 2005|01:46am] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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i got laid! i got Laid!! i got LAID!!! twice in one night by two different guys! both yummy and the second really really knew what he was doing! i'm potentially going to see both of them this weekend. (i'm not sure cause i'm working a lot) but will definitely see both of them over presidents day weekend. then i've just got to decide which ones first! decisions decisions.
oh and i bought a dress last weekend! it's black with a fitted top and the skirt flares at the waist with pink ruffles underneath! it's perfect for dancing around the house in!
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| glad it's over |
[26 Dec 2004|09:36pm] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
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with the year ending and the new one about to begin i've been looking back and taking stock of things. i've come to the conclusion that i'm glad it's all over.
all the feelings of apathy and despair that i left Atlanta with have been burned away in the warm california sun!
the unwelcome house guest have all moved out and i can finally walk around naked in my own apartment!
i'm debt free and loving my new job, plus i just bought a king size bed for christmas!
i met a really smart sweet boy who talks to me about books and history! and goes to sleep with me!
i think i've finally come to grips and/or resolved all of my issues with my family, and past.
i've been mostly clean and sober for the majority of the year, something that hasn't happened since i moved out of my mom's house?!? stranger still i think i'm really starting to enjoy it?
so all said and done it's been a tough year (one that i wouldn't like to repeat) but a good year none the less. hope that all of you can say the same and here's wishing that your coming year will be better than the last.
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| Justice Or Else |
[10 Dec 2004|07:07am] |
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giddy |
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at work, as always |
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JOE!
JOE is the guy that i met at the diner a week ago. JOE is the guy that i've spent every waking non work moment with since he called last sunday. JOE is the guy who falls asleep with me and gets up with me in the morning! JOE is the guy that i fall to sleep with, i sleep with JOE! JOE is who i'm coming home to after work. JOE is who i look forward to being with after, before, and during work. JOE is the first guy to buy me a flower, and take me to dinner. JOE is the guy that agrees that chocolate is better than sex! JOE is the sweetest guy i've ever met.
JOE is going away at the end of the month? he's moving to hawaii for 2 years to get his library science degree.
JOE is just plain good stuff but JOE's gotta go??!?? aw well, can't have have your cake and eat it too. just enjoy it while it lasts cause it won't last long....
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| i'm not bi-polar my world is..... |
[30 Nov 2004|10:25pm] |
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exhausted |
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music |
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at work, as always |
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for awhile i thought i might be bi-polar. have since decided that it's not me it's my surroundings that are insane. here's how my day went:
wake up @ 5:45am (when to bed @ 2:30am) - sleeping pills have worn off or i haven't taking enough and i get up to take some nyquil and have some toast. (just got apple butter yummy) shawn is up,getting ready to leave for work, and tells me that he and the "roaches" have found a place to live and will be moving out mid Dec!?! undecided of when he's moving his mother in. this means i'll have the place almost to myself for the next 3 months until the least is up!!! i can start buying new furniture etc, etc. very exciting but the nyquil starting kickin in and it's back to bed.
wake up again @ 11:30am - get up to do some chores and run off to do a little shopping. (needed long john's) shopping goes well heading into work, almost get into car accident because asshole in front of me wants to merge on to the highway going 40MPH!
work @ 1:45pm - walk into break room to put yummy vitamin water into frig and find out that i might not have a job tomorrow because the contract extension paper work has not been signed. they'll let everyone know ASAP but the "contract" itself is back east being passed around through all the right people etc etc. (but still having the x-mas party guys, don't worry?!?)
work @ 3:30pm it's okay!! have a job for another couple months!! big rigs at NADEP tell me that they might be hiring 1-2 people after holidays so update my resume and resubmit it!
it's been a long hard day but, it's finally over and i'm off to run a few more errands and home to bed. night all.
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| is it better to forgive or to forget? |
[29 Nov 2004|11:46pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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the holidays, recent events, and sobriety have made me start thinking of a number of things. i find that i have quite a few hard questions that need answering. here are some of the big ones:
question one:
is it better to try and forgive the people/things that have hurt you or to forget them?
Question 2:
why the fuck i'm i still awake? why can't i ever fucking sleep? i'm soo tired. sorry this was going to be a serious post with serious questions but i'm dead tired.
[answer 2 or pointless information]
FYI: after years of different therapist, husbands, and sleeping pills one of Marilyn Monroe's physiologist's took her off the sleeping pills and invited her to stay at his family home. every night when she went to bed he simply held her/laid with her until she fell asleep. it worked like a charm and was the only time in her adult life that she slept without the aid of pills or booze.
i recently read a biography (about Marilyn) that was like a physiological study. it was surprisingly informative and philosophic.
FYI:(currently reading JFK's bio) JFK couldn't stand to be touched, even by people close to him, unless he initiated it. this and his almost constand need to sleep with or "conquer" women was most likely a result of a lack of maternal nurturing as a child.
(these are facts and theories made by much smarter people than me)
question 3:
if ignorance is bliss,(and i do believe that ignorance is bliss) then why i'm i trying to educate myself??
answer 3:
so i have interesting things to think about is the middle of the night when i can't sleep! (that was an easy question)
question 4:
why is it that i can remember and think about stuff that happened years ago and i can't remember to bring socks to work or to buy laundry soap?
answer 4: pointless knowledge is lighter than real knowledge so it floats to the top of the mind?
{sage like wisdom or exhausted babbling}?
question 5: can you ever really "kiss the past goodbye" and move on? or are you doomed to repeat the past mistakes until you die or find the right answer?
answer 5: there is no past, no present, only this moment. only right now.
breathe, let go.
and try to get some sleep:)
good night moon.
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